


I’ll take you, shattered and broken

by Threadbear



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Cheating, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2016-02-17
Packaged: 2018-05-21 06:32:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6041760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Threadbear/pseuds/Threadbear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Follows on from 'I've needed you back for so long' but can be read as stand-alone. The aftermath of sleeping with your ex lover, told from Sirius' point of view this time. A broken man tries to navigate life, love and a lifetime of bad moves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I’ll take you, shattered and broken

Sequel to '[I've needed you back for so long](http://archiveofourown.org/works/842498).'

  


Remus is home early. Obviously if Remus had got home at his usual time Sirius would have hidden the bottle at least. Maybe showered. Instead, he prepares himself for a fight at the end of which he’ll apologise and make promises he has no intention of keeping, but every intention of looking like he has. He does this for Remus, and for Harry, and for everyone else who has made it clear that they love him and can be hurt by him. He does it all for them – he would swear to it.

Remus merely slams the kitchen door on his way out. His footsteps on the wooden stairs carry through the house and say everything he doesn’t.

Sirius is hard upon his heels. “Remy, honey – stop.” Not apologising, leaving it unsaid, would be worse.

“Don’t you dare tell me you’re sorry.” Remus rounds on him quick. “You’re always so sorry… Goddamn it Sirius! if you’ve ever loved me at all, you’ll say nothing.”

Sirius opens and closes his mouth fish-like but he doesn’t say sorry. Though he is. So heart wearingly sorry. So sorry it hurts.

When Remus closes the door to their bedroom, its softer this time but Sirius is still on the wrong side if it.

 

Downstairs, alone, drunk, Sirius breathes in then out slowly, once, then twice, like the head shrink Remus made him see that one time taught him. (He never went back because he already knew how to fucking breathe – though Remus did think he was going for a few months, and he spent the time wandering the London streets alone. _Looking for him_. Yes, well he might as well admit it now. Ridiculous of course.)

Tonight though he can still feel it cling, that dark nowhere place, long corridors, infinite rooms, waste and ruin...he takes another swig to burn the ashes from his mouth.

_There is one other thing that helps_.

Yes perhaps, though he’s told himself he shouldn’t think of him. That man who shoves him when he really wants to kiss him. Who told him he waited for him with eyes shot through with as much hate as lust. (Though not pity, no never that.) He told him he’d missed him and he wasn’t lying, wanted him so bad after he was gone, so bad his body ached with it. He wants to tell him how he drank, hard, for a long time after. I fucked up, he wants to say, and I don’t know how to stop doing that.

He pictures him, two years previous, standing purple-grey in the gloaming light of that long ago kitchen, _“stop this”_ he says, _“I know you.”_ That same purple-grey light seeps through the curtains now and he feels that same terrible weariness.

  


He holds out for a week. In fact he takes the first chance he gets; he never really had that much in the way of personal restraint.

He finds the place again easily enough, but by the time he gets there it’s late afternoon and it’s started raining in thick steady sheets. Snape lets him in, lets him drip on his carpet.

“Um…is this ok? I wasn’t really sure.”

It must be because Snape is grasping Sirius’ head hard in both hands mumbling “idiot” and then Snape’s mouth is on his and its hot and bruising and it must be the relief of no longer being outside in the cold and wet. Why it feels this good.

They break apart and he can see Snape’s chest heaving, the front of his shirt now see-through wet. Sirius has the sudden urge to tell him that it’s him he thinks of, always, when he jerks off. But instead he says, “goddamn you look good.”

Snape pulls him roughly by the arm and leads him to his room. He hasn’t been up here before but he likes that it’s bare, plain. Nothing for his mind to push up against.

An arm pins his throat to the wall.

“How long do you have?” Snape says kissing him once, roughly.

“Enough. Full moon.” As if he hadn’t known.

When Snape tugs his jeans down, they bunch up wet and unpleasant around his knees. He can hear the rain pounding louder, louder, against the roof and the room is rain dark. When Snape drops to his knees he isn’t expecting that sweet wet heat, he pulls in a choking, gasping breath and his head jerks back hard against the wall.

When he comes there’s a moment of blissful white nothing and he wants it to last forever.

  


Afterwards Snape had made them toast with real butter and strawberry jam and hot, sweet, milky tea; they had eaten in bed and Snape had even allowed Sirius to feed him, though he had rolled his eyes. (At which point Sirius had smooshed toast into the corner of his mouth). And although now there are crumbs through the bed, sticking to their backs and the creases under their knees, and their fingers are still a bit sticky, it had been worth it – Sirius had rolled his eyes back and groaned in pleasure when he took the first bite, “sweet Merlin that is goddamn delicious. All you should ever do is suck my cock and make me toast. And I don’t even care if you suck my cock.” And Snape had said Black when was the last time you ingested anything that wasn’t liquid?

Now Snape lets him take the cigarette from between his lips and says to the ceiling “I don’t want him touching you.”

Sirius exhales loudly, they can’t do this. “Don’t be stupid.”

“I want – “

“- Don’t tell me what you want Sev because I cant give it to you.”

Snape scrubs a hand over his face, “… the thought of him touching you, _fucking_ you … it makes me sick to my stomach.”

That look on his face makes Sirius feel strange so he lets his finger follow the trail of black hair that leads down Snape’s flat belly stopping where it begins to thicken into sworls. “I’m bored. You’re boring me.” The fact that he hears his mother doesn’t even give him pause.

“Why do I put up with you?” Snape asks.

Sirius stubs out the cigarette, swings himself over so he’s sitting in Snape’s lap, “Because I let you fuck me?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Look at you, you’re hard for me already. You’re pathetic.” Sirius says, but then again, so is he.

“You know what to do then Black. I know you’re not as stupid as you look.”

Sirius does, oh yes, shoves his whole body down as both Snape’s hands wind tightly through his hair. He suckles greedily on the already plump head before taking him in fully with Snape’s hands pushing him down. Oh god he hasn’t done this in so long and Snape tastes _good_ , better than toast with butter and jam, better than he even remembered and he remembers pretty well, he wants to tell Snape this but he also wants to keep sucking and licking and tasting until he chokes on his come. When Snape pulls him off by his hair, Sirius whines, wipes the back of his hand over his mouth. “More ” he says.

Snape just says “fine,” but his voice is low and guttural.

When Snape pulls him off again it’s with a breathless _fuck_ and he says “that’s enough baby, I’m gonna fuck you first.”

  


“Lie on your back.” Snape says over his shoulder as he digs in the side drawer. He likes to tell him what to do when they’re fucking.

“You been thinking about me baby?”                                                                          

“Shut up.” Snape moves above him, slick steady fingers pressing just a touch too rough to be teasing. He mouths and nips at the soft skin on inside of Sirius’s thigh, and borrows in where his thigh creases, eyes closed, breathing deep like Sirius is something sweet, to be savoured.

“Uh,” he says when he’s pretty sure Snape’s knuckle deep, “fuck.”

Snape moves up to kiss him on the mouth. Long and deep turns to rough and wanting. His evening stubble rough against Sirius’ mouth is heady and delicious, makes him feel a little crazy, and _God_ , that too-heavy weight of him, and cock pressing into him hard, it turns him on bad, makes him ache, makes him pant. 

“All week.” Snape grinds out. “Every minute.”

“Fuck.” Sirius says. “You think about fucking me while you’re alone baby? _Christ_ you’re pathetic, I bet you do.” They kiss wetly, “do you, _ugh_ , palm your cock when it’s so hard it hurts? I bet you don’t unzip till you’re dripping. How long do you hold out? I bet its hoouurs… _Shit._ ” Snape cock pushing into him cuts off his train of thought.

“Jesus if you had any idea…want you so bad… even when I’m in you, want more of you…” Snape’s voice has dropped to a breathy growl, and he’s fucking him maddeningly slow and it burns so sweet his eyes water.

“No not like that, harder baby, you know, make me hurt real good.”

And he does, Snape knows how to fuck him just right, “yeah” he says, “like that.”

Snape shoves his hand over Sirius’s mouth and says, “shut up you mongrel” and keeps fucking into him hard, while they both groan and pant loud enough for Snape’s neighbours to hear.

“Sev.”

“Yes yes ok… you’re shit.” Snape says “you’re worth nothing. Lucky you’ve got such a sweet tight arse… Oh Christ yes so tight baby so good gonna come in you.”

“No shhh, keep going.”

“Shut up. You’re mine. Say it.” Sirius doesn’t know if this is still the game, but he says it anyway, repeats it like he’s getting paid.

“I’m yours baby, I’m yours, I’m yours.”

And when Snape says “ _tell me he doesn’t fuck you as good as me”_ Sirius tells him “ _I don’t let anyone fuck me but you”_ which is the truth but he probably hasn’t told him that before. He tries not to notice that the look on Snape’s face has changed and that he stops moving, briefly. He’s pulled out just enough that that fat head is just breaching Sirius’ asshole and its stretching and rubbing and it hurts just like he likes as Snape dips forward to kiss him deep and open-mouthed. Sirius thinks he’s maybe said too much, but he can’t think good with Snape just inside him like that. When Snape thrusts in to him hard and steady again and again, and oh god _right there_ Sirius comes, sharply and keenly, as Snape buries his head in Sirius’ neck and bites him there and he lets Snape mark him because he can’t really think of a reason not to.

 

Remus knows who it is immediately, though he doesn’t say how.

“Oh God – you love him don’t you?” he says. “Like you’ve never loved me, you love him like that.”

“It’s not like that.”

Remus’ laugh is harsh, “Fuck you for lying to me.”

  


  


“The wolf kicked you out.”

“Do you want me or not old man?”

“What an offer, how could I refuse?”

“Stop grinning.”

“I’m not.”

 “You are. It’s unnerving.”

“Shut up and come here.”

His mouth is wet and hot.

“You’ve been drinking.” Snape correctly points out.

“Your powers of observation are a thing to behold Professor. And while we’re on the subject this is not going to work if ... oh for Christ – Stop. Fucking. Smiling.” 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”  


“I’m serious asshole. In the interest of full fucking disclosure this is not going to be a fucking honeymoon – I will fuck this up you know th – ngh oh fuck yes, keep doing that.”

“I intend to. You were saying?”

“Uh yeah… I’ll drink too much, you’ll be a dick, you know, as usual – ow! Stop christ, listen! I’m no good at this Snape – I have no idea how long it’ll last.”

“I don’t remember making a marriage proposal Black.”

He feels himself grin, “as long as we’re on the same page then.”

“No Black I don’t think anyone’s ever been on the same page as you.”

“Shut the fuck up and put that mouth back where it was.”

He’s the worst of all self-centered pricks, he knows that, always has been, even before. Ha! Especially before. Here he is, about to get his end away, and enjoy every fucking second of it, not an hour after he has finally destroyed his relationship with his very best and closest friend. (Was it death by a thousand daggers or was it this final insult that was so unforgivable?) It’s not even the worst thing he’s done. Hell, it’s not even the worst thing he’ll do this year, probably. Is it his fault if he’s broken? If he’s incapable of love?

Love Remus said. He has no idea where that came from. Lust yes. That much is obvious. His dick has always been batshit crazy for this ugly as all hell middle-aged man who’s tongue is currently in the inside of his belly button. He really has no idea why.

Well, maybe he does.

God does that man have a talented tongue… And a massive cock actually. And damn if little Snivellus didn’t grow into a voice like molten gravel, a voice that could make wallpaper slide off walls. That voice has got him in to trouble more times than he can remember. Got him hard more times than he can remember. Even when it was tearing him a new asshole. Especially when.

So yeah, lust then, they’ll leave love to younger, less ruined people.

Snape looks up from unbuckling Sirius’ belt and placing open-mouthed kisses on one of his hipbones.

“You look tired beautiful.” He stands and touches Sirius cheek.

“Mmm I am tired.”

“Come on lets go upstairs, we’ll leave all this to sort out later.” He says nodding at Sirius bags. He leads him from the room by his hand, as you would a child.

“Sev? Can you talk to me baby? Like you used to?”

“Hmm? Oh ah then, let me see … yes ok …

“‘You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on...’”

By the time he is finished Sirius has curled up in bed. He falls asleep to the smell of freshly laundered sheets with Severus’ hand still in his.

  


**Author's Note:**

> The poem Severus recites is of course "Wild Geese" by Mary Oliver.


End file.
